I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
