I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
