Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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