We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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