And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
