i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
