I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
