she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
