the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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