your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
