last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
