also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
