The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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