Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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