I can text with my tongue
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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