i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
