Everything about him screamed your future.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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