now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
