i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
