I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I have aggressive nipples.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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