I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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