I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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