Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
