He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
