i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
