just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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