My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
