I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
