You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
