I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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