I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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