I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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