The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
