Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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