New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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