I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He shit in the fireplace
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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