I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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