He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I supernannyed him into submission
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
