You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
