I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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