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so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
