You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
