i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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