I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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