I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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