the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize