hotel room ftw
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize