I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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