In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
