I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize