Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Randomize
