My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
