Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize