I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The best revenge is premature balding
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
