so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
whose ass print is on the piano?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize