One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
