I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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